Monthly Archives: November 2012

I have just realized that almost all of my posts here are negative and full of hatred. And this would add the list again. 


My mom and my dad had an argument again. Well, that’s not new to me. They always fight. That’s always the scene here in the house. Again, for the ever same reason, money. I don’t really know why we have to be like this because of money (I guess I’ve said this for the nth time already). I wanna cry earlier but I just fucking took a deep deep breath and listen without joining the fight (well, I always join but not this time). I really controlled myself not to say anything bad to my dad, and just clearly listened. I really hate how my dad speaks. He ALWAYS raise his voice which gives a scary feeling, and that’s what I really really hate the most. In this situation, I’ve seen and I’ve witnessed that my dad was wrong. He is always wrong, if not always, most of the time. The fight lasted for almost 2 hours (wow!). And thank God, my mom didn’t cry. 


Mom’s going to leave tomorrow. She’s gonna go back on Dec. 28 with our bunso. So, this isn’t a Merry Christmas. I wanna cry. 😥


There are a lot of people who please someone too much. I myself is a pleaser, and I think that’s the worst thing I got in life. Some says, pleasing someone isn’t a bad thing, but for me, it is. I hate myself for being such a pleaser. I hate it because this is the very reason why some people don’t treat me the way I am to them. I feel that I’m being left out and being set aside because I’m too good and they know I won’t feel bad if they do that anyway. I feel like I’m being less respected. I don’t know. It just feels that way. I kind of having a hard time on making myself look good to others. I just don’t want to give them reasons to hate me. Little did I know, the more reasons I give to make them love me, the more reasons I get to hate myself. In school, I am a joke to my friends. I can’t hate them because they’re my friends. And I’m not that narrow-minded to take those jokes seriously. I try to understand instead. But because I am alive and also have emotions, I do get angry but just manage to keep it inside so I won’t hurt anyone. You know what hurts me sometimes? That when I’m already the one who do this kind of stuff to them, they easily get angry and wear a scary face, and all I can do is try to understand again (uhm, this happens often. Really often, okay?). I was raised this way, and I don’t regret being one. As long as I know I’m doing good things to others, it’s fine. I don’t care if they don’t treat me the way I want to be treated. To be fair and sensitive enough, that’s all I care about.

The silent cry for help has never been so loud.


I don’t really know what to do with my life now. Everything has been a mess since the day I understood how life runs. I have never been so secretly depressed like this before. Now, everything I long of having and everything I have (unfortunately) start to sink in down to my inner hypothalamus gland. I feel like I don’t have someone to lean on in times like this. Everyone here in our house is against me. Everything I do is worthless. Everything I do is nothing. Everything I do is a mess for them. MONEY. Money is the only thing that runs this family. Moneys rules in this house. I don’t fucking know why we have to be like this because of that. I cried again while I was in bed a while ago. And for the same reason, it’s because of my dad, my brother and my ate. I’m really sick of this! If only I could go somewhere that no one knows me, I shouldn’t be crying here and ranting this kind of stuff. I wish I was somebody else. I don’t want this kind of life. I don’t want this kind of family. I’d rather live in fantasy than to live in reality that makes me want to die the soonest. Many times, I thought of just ending this stupid life of mine. I wish I was dead and rotten. But, because I know that is wrong and hurts (for sure) I don’t give a damn to do it.



And if this is what they call LIVING, I’d rather be dead and be buried. 

My mom called a while ago and she told me again all her hates towards my father. Hearing her voice full of sadness and hatred, broke my heart (once again). I wanted to cry, but I tried my best not to so I won’t double the pain that my mother’s holding. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m really losing hope for my father. I don’t want to hate him, but he is giving me reasons to hate him, and this, makes me hate him more. All I want in life is to have a perfect family. Yes, I know there isn’t really a “perfect” one, but I believe that there is a “better” and “nicer” one. I pity my mom so much. She has always been making ways to make this family work. She has been giving her all just to save this effin’ nearly broken family. She has suffered so much. She even sacrificed her own future for my father’s sake and yet this is what she gets in return. If only I could turn back time and put my mom into something that she really wanted to be and to have, I would do everything. I really don’t know what to do now.